I met the friendliest cop last night
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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