Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
