my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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