On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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