I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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