you guys were way drunker than both of me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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