she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sext me about skeletons
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
