fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
