I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
