dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
