I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
