No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
