Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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