I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Is it because I queefed?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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