I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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