my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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