on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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