all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
