I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
