Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
