i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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