Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
