He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
