i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
