Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
