dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
