i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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