Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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