I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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