Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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