masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
