If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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