I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
