You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
