I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
