I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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