If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
