Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
