Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
