She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
