I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
