May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
So. Much. Porn.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
