Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
