Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
