I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
