the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
