i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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