life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
