Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
