imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
