I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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