Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
