what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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