Your tits are I can't wait for
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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