I should be sponsored by Trojan
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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