i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
