i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
