dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
